the harbinger
by ohlookrandom
Summary: In which Bruce and Steve volunteer Tony to be the bearer of bad news.


Considering that all I've been writing is sad fics lately, have some humor. Or my attempt at it, at least.

Disclaimer: Nope!

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It is an ill thing to be the first to bring news of ill.  
**-Aeschylus**

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"You tell her."

"Excuse me?" Tony gestures wildly with a spoon. "Why do _I _have to do it?"

"Because," Steve says, "as you're so fond of pointing out, you're a genius, billionaire, playboy, and philanthropist."

"What does _that _have to do with anything?"

Bruce only waves Steve's rather wayward comment aside. "You were the one in her room."

"Only because the stupid alien threw me through the sixth floor-"

"Yes," Bruce says patiently, "but once Steve took him down, you were the one who went poking through the rubble-"

"Not my fault," Tony defends himself, "my foot, ah, shuffled aside the debris."

Bruce and Steve stare at him with matching looks of _Are you kidding me_?, so Tony backpedals. "Okay, okay. But Bruce, _you _were the one who insisted on taking it to the lab to get checked."

"It's _my _fault for making sure the tests were all checked out?"

"You took it out of her room. Therefore, you're in charge of telling her where it went-"

"I only wanted to make sure that it didn't test positive!"

Tony waves the spoon around wildly. "And now it's missing and you think Natasha isn't going to notice something like that missing?"

"It's really small," Steve offers hopefully. "Maybe she won't notice it's gone."

"With all due respect, Cap, it's the only thing white in her entire room, and it was sitting _on her bedside table-_" Tony scowls. "Besides, Steve, weren't you the one who saw it last before it went missing?"

"It was on the table after Bruce checked it," Steve defends himself. "How am I supposed to know where it went after?"

"Natasha is going to _kill _us when she finds it's missing," Bruce says, his voice muffled as he drops his face into his hands. "We were never supposed to know this-"

"You never know," Steve says half-heartedly. "Maybe she was going to tell us about it."

"The tests show that she was with it for several _months_, Steve. I know things have changed since you got yourself made into a human Popsicle, but if a woman keeps something like that secret for _ages…" _Tony groans. "Is this why she's been gone with Pepper all those times? Were they at the clinic getting it checked out?"

Steve grimaces. "You make it sound worse than it actually is."

"Well, maybe because it _is_," Bruce mutters.

"We'll just tell Natasha the truth," Steve says, ever the practical one.

"And what would _that _be?"

"That Tony took it and lost it."

Tony chokes. "Excuse me?"

"Sounds like a great plan," Bruce says at the same time.

"My brethren!" Thor barges into the room, and a spluttering Tony is sent into further fits. "What happened in this chamber? It appears as though a bilge snipe had its mating ritual here."

At that image, Steve joins Tony in choking on his glass of water as Bruce only removes his glasses (miraculously still intact after the battle, though his clothes are still ripped) and sighs. "Hello, Thor. Good trip from Asgard?"

"Pleasant, friend Bruce…" Thor picks up what's left of the sofa. "Was there a battle that I was unaware of?"

"A minor one," Bruce responds as Steve and Tony recover from their respective fits. "Nothing we couldn't handle."

"Was Loki involved?"

"Thankfully, no."

"Very well." Thor settles into a cross legged position on the stump of a sofa. "I apologize for not coming to your aid sooner."

"Yes, well," Steve gets out between large gulps of water, "it wasn't much of a problem."

"Meanwhile, Thor," Tony puts in, "we have another problem."

"Another battle? Very well. Mjolnir has been aching for its potential to be recognized in the spirit of war."

"No," Tony says firmly. "Not a war. But these two want to pin blame on me, and we need an impartial judge."

"Very well," Thor rumbles. "I shall listen and impart the justice of Midgard."

Tony takes a deep breath as Bruce rolls his eyes and Steve folds his arms. "Bruce took something out of Natasha's room and Steve lost it," he says as fast as he can. "There. See? I'm the innocent one. Case closed. Shame on both of you!"

"You were the one who went poking around her room in the first place!" Bruce exclaims indignantly.

Thor stares at Tony. "You were in Lady Natasha's bedchamber?"

"I got thrown through the window," Tony sighs, "this isn't my fault."

"What isn't your fault?" The door opens and Natasha and Clint burst through, not a sheen of sweat on their faces even though they'd probably just run up twenty flights of stairs. "Where's the danger?"

"No danger," Steve says reassuringly.

Clint doesn't relax his grip on his bow and Natasha's pistol doesn't lower itself. "Are you sure?" the archer demands. "It looks bad from out there."

"Like a bilge snipe mating ritual," Thor offers helpfully.

Clint gives the Asgardian a funny look as Natasha finally holsters her pistol. "Sorry we're late to the party. The mission in Romania took longer than usual. What'd we miss?" Her eyebrows rise and arch when she notices that the three men huddled around the partially intact kitchen counter are studiously avoiding her eyes. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Bruce says as cheerily as possible.

"Want to go out for shawarma?" Tony offers at the same time.

"Tony accidentally went into your room and Bruce lost something of yours," Steve blurts.

The two scientists turn to glare at Steve and the Captain actually flinches when he realizes whose wrath he's just incurred. "I… um."

"Oh, this should be good," Clint murmurs, sidling over to where Thor is.

"You were in my _room_?"

"I was thrown through a window by a freaky looking alien! It had eight arms and bright yellow glowing eyes!"

"But you were in _my _room."

Out of defenses, Tony points at Bruce. "He was the one who took it to the lab!"

"Took _what _to the lab?" Natasha's arms are folded. At this point, it's not just Clint who knows that folded arms mean business. Months of living with the Black Widow have acquainted all the Avengers with her subtle body language.

And right now, she's not happy.

"It's really not that big a deal," Bruce tries to parry, "can't you just get another one?"

Natasha erupts. "Do you know how many strange looks I got when I got to the counter? It's like single women don't go out to buy those anymore!"

"They weren't very strange looks," Clint points out, but then flinches when Natasha turns her glare on him. "Okay, okay."

"We'll find it," Bruce says as calmly as possible, holding up his hands in the universal _calm down, we'll fix this_ gesture. "We'll find it and return it and we can all forget that this ever happened. Okay?"

"Why didn't you just tell us you had one?" Steve asks from his position behind Thor and Clint. "We would have understood."

"The tests came back negative, too," Bruce added.

He winces when he realizes what he just said.

Natasha's hand is drifting dangerously close to her pistol when Clint finally decides to intervene on behalf of his partner. "She didn't say anything because she knows that Steve is allergic to cat hair."

"You tested my cat," Natasha asks through gritted teeth, "without my permission?"

"At least we didn't convert it into particles like we did with the dog last time," Bruce murmurs.

"I'm not allergic to cat hair," Steve protests.

"Oh, friend Tony, before I forget, Lady Jane would like to come by to visit," Thor announces. "She has some ideas that may benefit Midgardian science!"

"Sure, Thor, have her come on by-"

"What do you mean you're not allergic to cat hair," Natasha is saying derisively to Steve. "The last time we were in Bengal you almost had a heart attack sneezing around the pet tiger-"

Clint only leans back against the destroyed sofa, amusedly watching the entire scene unfold before his eyes. He's so engrossed in watching the other Avengers bicker that he completely misses Pepper walking in, her mouth agape at the domestic disturbance as well as the complete destruction of what used to be the common room. "What on earth?" she demands.

All six Avengers turn to look at the woman standing in the doorway, a cat in her arms purring contentedly. "Snowy!" Natasha exclaims, going over to Pepper and taking it from the other woman's arms. "Where have you _been_?" Thor joins her in stroking the cat's pelt, loudly marveling at how tiny it is compared to the big cats apparently found on the plains of Asgard.

"It was wandering around outside," Pepper explains to a gaping Bruce and Tony.

Tony is the first to regain his composure. "_Snowy_? Couldn't you have been any more creative, Natasha?"

"Snow White's her favorite fairytale, shut up." Clint shakes his head at Tony as he goes over to join Thor, Pepper and Natasha.

"It must have wandered through the vents," Steve says thoughtfully. "The vents in the lab are always wide open."

"All that furor over a cat." Bruce sighs.

"Hey," Tony says flippantly, "at least it wasn't a pregnancy test. That would have been bad."

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So.. there you go, my feeble attempt at trying to write humor and implication.

Thoughts? Let me know! Thank you for reading. :)

Much love,  
ohlookrandom


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